They cut to stop their emotional pain. Few of us have been so hungry that we have actually been in physical pain. But we have all heard of hunger pains. For the people who cut themselves, their emotional pain is much more intense than for the average person. It is a intensity of pain that many of us have never felt, just as we have never felt the pain of intense starvation. But these people are starving emotionally. Looking at it this way might help us understand what they need and why they cut.
Emotional pain, for all of us, comes when have we have extreme levels of unmet emotional needs, or we are being abused, or neglected. But we all find our own ways to cope with this pain, people who cut themselfs don't know how to deal with this pain so they override it in a sense, cause more dramatic pain so it lessens the emotional pain they are faced with.
On one website I saw a list of alternatives to cutting. Some of these included: going for a drive, going shopping, calling a friend, going for a walk. Many of these options are unavailable to teens.
Many teens are not allowed to use the phone at certain times, either because it is too late at night, or because they have been punished for some reason and "grounded" from using the phone. Some do not have telephones in their houses. Even if they could use the phone, many of them are afraid to call the crisis lines because their parents might hear them. Unless you have lived in a home full of fear, it is probably hard to imagine that such homes exist. But they do. This is one reason I urge us all to start talking to children and find out what they are afraid of. If they are afraid of their own parents when they are young, it is a warning sign for later on.
Many of the teens are not allowed to go outside when they most need to get out of the house. Normally they feel the urge to cut when it is late at night. This is when they feel most alone, and perhaps most afraid. For some, even if they could go outside, they have no where to go where they feel safe. Nor can they simply go shopping whenever they want, especially not at night. Obviously, most of them can not go for a drive. One of their sources of pain, then, is simply feeling trapped; of not having options.


A list of their painful feelings includes:

What Is Not Helpful
  • Ordering them to stop it.
  • Watching them.
  • Taking away their privacy. (Taking the door off of their room, etc.)
  • Taking away their razors and all sharp objects.
  • Making them feel even more abnormal by saying things like, "You need help. You are sick. That is not normal."
  • Rejecting that part of them. Not accepting their behavior.
  • Threatening them - such as with being sent to the hospital.


How To Help
  • Study the list of their typical feelings
  • Try to help fill their unmet emotional needs, as indicated by their feelings.
  • Try for example, to help them feel accepted, not judged or rejected.
  • Try to help them feel normal. Don't stare at their scars or turn away from them any more than you would stare at an amputee's missing arm rather than looking them in the eyes when you talk to them.
  • Try to help them feel trusted. If they tell you something in confidence, keep their confidence.
  • Try to help them feel understood. You might say for example, "You must have been in a lot of pain when you cut yourself. What was going on in your life at that time?"


This might seem "intrusive" or "rude" but I have found that people do not feel offended if you ask in a caring way, "it's not what you say but how you say it!". While they did not originally cut to get attention, it is likely they did felt alone, uncared about and misunderstood at the time. It is also likely they still have a need for understanding, acceptance, caring and connection. Since one of their unmet needs is to be listened to and heard, try just simply listening.

How Can I Help?
I think the most important way in which others can help self-harmers is by listening and not judging them. It is often very hard to even try and contemplate why a person would ever want to deliberately injure themselves and if it is someone you care about it can be very distressing and frustrating for all involved and it is ok to seek help from others yourself in helping the self-harmer.
There are a number of online resources for those who have friends or relatives who self-harm where they can receive support and help in coming to terms with others harming behaviour but here are a few simple ways you can help.

If someone has told you that they self-harm then it is because they trust you! This is often the biggest step for us because self-harm is not something we are proud of and often we go to great lengths to hide it. You're probably not aware of how much of a relief it was for that person to have finally told someone so in a big way you have already helped. You have also taken the time by coming here to try and understand and learn more which is also a very good thing; it shows that you care and that is above all a supportive thing to be doing.
It is important not to be sickened by a person who self-harm's purely because you don't understand, they are still the same person you knew before you found out they harmed themselves and so it shouldn't be seen as a whole seperate entity which needs to be immediately banished in order for you to continue loving them.
Self-harmers are often scared that when people find out they will 'disown' them and threaten to walk away if they don't stop immediately; this is an unrealistic burden on a person as self-harm is in many ways an addiction, it is doubtful that they want to harm themselves, they feel they need to for whatever reason and would probably have preferred to have stopped rather than admit the problem to anyone. Threatening the self-harmer will do nothing other than isolate them further and probably stop them from confiding in you again so however much you want to scare the person into quitting you probably won't.
If you have found out by accident that a friend or relative hurts themselves the worst thing you can do is hound them about it! If they want to discuss it with you they will in their own time and by relentlessly questioning them about it you are further backing up the belief they may already have that they are strange or alone. Self-harm is a private act and making someone who doesn't want to talk about it discuss it with you you are intruding in their own personal space in the same way that there are things you may not want to discuss with others. Make it clear that you are always willing to listen and help without judging them or loving them any less.

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